Below, you'll see any text that was highlighted with comments from the reviewer.
Your language is really beautiful, and the imagery presented is easy to understand. This is so short, yet I have a vision of the entire story and impact, and even a semblance of understanding of the girl's personality and thinking and that is such an awesome job on your part as the author to get it to the reader.
This really leaves me hungry to learn what happened to these people and to figure out their story and the entire suspense really adds to it. If you ever consider turning this into a novel, your premise is already built, a little backstory would have made this even better.
I do have troubles with the grammar and the non- capitalising of the letter "i" and all that. I do think that if you are aiming for a formal piece of writing that does play a part but maybe you did that on purpose. I do love your writing as a whole though.