Peer Review by r|A|i|N (United States)

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utopia with a capital "u"

By: rainandsonder


FREE WRITING

and i'm counting the ways i can say goodbye:
with a word with a smile with a
song with a nod with a -- 

chalky hands shake behind closed curtains and
ashy sunlight pulls open blinds with prying hands and
the radio chops itself into pieces.
with the look in your eyes with the
smile ghosting your lips with the
blood on your heart and hands with --

it's a utopia on some days, the way the
trees steal back the cities and the thunderclouds
crash and shake the world. i found a cougar
sleeping while i raided a house, and birds nesting on 
windowsills, and i'm
starting to think this isn't ours anymore.
with melancholy with joy with
rage with triumph with
hopelessness --

some days i miss the television;
the whizzing colors and zany sounds and
the places we went where crude figures were all our cares.
i can't remember pop music, but at night i hear
drums and blurred voices singing.
the people on the roads say this is it now, back to
wood huts and breedless dogs guarding fires, back
to cave painting and rediscovering the shapes in the stars.
with hope with hopelessness with hope
with hopelessness with
hope(less) hope(ful) with what we've got left --

i think that the world is smaller now, flat and sharing a sky.
i think that progress is a phantom and we'll tread these
tracks forever: for ever: for as long as we let ourselves,
and coyotes trot down the streets at night, and flowers bloom
in what was once a kitchen, and time lost itself somewhere. but
the words that i once knew don't need to be known and
the world that once defined itself to ruin doesn't need
to be defined and i think this is alright. UTOPIA.

and to the shapes in the stars, nothing has changed. 
 

if there's one thing that fascinates me almost more than the end of the world, it's the restarting of the world. yet i've always found those post-apocalyptic zombie movies skeptical; this isn't the End with a capital E, this is what planet earth does and has always done. it goes on, and the downfall of humanity won't stop it.
as always, if you enjoyed PLEASE leave a comment, comments are a million times more helpful than likes, and liking doesn't tell me what you thought of it!

Peer Review

i feel i could dissect this poem for hours. for one thing, it's fabulously written––the italics are particularly impressive, portraying unique personification and a new meaning to "hope". additionally, every line seems to carries a unique idea with it. you have so many wonderful philosophies in one piece, such as the ambiguity of hopelessness and hope; the solace of screens; the idea that WE make the world round (which is really interesting because it reveals something about the ego of scientific discovery, etc); the infinite cycle of society; and of course the takeover of nature once again. i find something new every time i read.


some of your points were unclear; i wasn't sure how they tied in to the ideas of the poem. i highlighted most of those instances; be sure to go back and elaborate/correct them. i would also recommend changing the title––"utopia with a capital 'u'" doesn't make sense because you never use a capital "u" when you use the word "utopia" in the poem, except at the end when every letter is capitalized. i think you'd do better to name the poem afer hope, the shapes in the stars, ways to say goodbye, or some other use of "utopia" that fits better.


Reviewer Comments

incredible job! your language is lovely and your ideas are relentlessly fascinating. i read this poem again and again. i apologize if i seemed at all harsh; i criticized this poem merely because i love it so much and i wanted to make it as great as it can be. keep writing forever because the world needs your creativity and intellect.
if you do revise, be sure to notify me so i can read :)