One, two, three, four. She counted as every beat of her heart felt like a bullet.
Her choices made her wish her existence would disappear. She told herself everything people would say to themselves, trying to make herself feel better. But somehow she still felt empty, losing a part of her. Someone she never wanted to harm.. but she did. “I had to” she whispers to her stomach choking back the tears that wanted to overflow desperately. She couldn't allow herself to be so weak. But in the comfort of her bed and the blankets wrapped around her so tight she felt a tiny bit safe, but not safe enough to cry. She had to be strong she screamed. “ How can people live with themselves after doing something so cruel..?” It was an absolute horrifying thought.. she could barely live with herself. She was hanging onmy a thread, a thread that kept threatening to break. “How could I have made that choice” she screams internally. Because you had to protect him, something whispers inside of her. “ At what cost she answered, the death of my child? What is the cost?” The voice stayed silent. The sorrow in heart could never compare to the pain she felt for her child. Her baby, her angel is gone. She can never be able to hear her baby’s giggle, or ever hear him call her mommy. The thoughts kept piling up upon her. “This was your choice,” the voice said. It was a hard choice, something she “had” to do. At least that’s what she believed, what she had to say to herself to get through this. Although it was that thought that was killing her the most.”What can i do?” She asked herself. It’s hard to breathe, sleep or eat. It was something she had never felt before. The pain, everything. It felt as if she moved even an inch she’d shatter. Her life no longer seemed to be hers. It was though the depression had taken control. She’d lie awake at night wondering how she could get through this. She wanted to be a mother so bad, but she felt like she could never be because of what she had done. Though each day felt as another day in hell.